How To Survive a Bear Attack
by Jonathan Q. Talisforth
In this modern world, nothing is more important than knowing how to dissuade the aggression of wild animals. More than ever before, there is a pressing need for education in the area of bear assault survival tactics. As the nation's foremost bear attack spokesman, and as a survivor of no less than twelve of these grisly grizzly assailments, I feel more than qualified to provide this vital instruction.
The first and most important step in surviving bear attacks is prevention, and that means preparedness. Whenever one ventures outside, whether for a short hike or a month-long backpacking excursion, one should always have all the necessary tools to ward off possible bear aggression. To avoid startling bears in the wild, be sure to bring a pair of morrocas or an air-horn on any outdoor trip. These unnatural sounds will ensure that every bear for miles around will know exactly where you are, and thus will not be startled when you cross paths. Also, it is imperative for travelers in bear-populated regions to strap large slabs of raw meat to themselves before venturing into the woods. These slabs can be used to distract or appease an oncoming bear. Preparation is vital, but is just as important to know exactly how to proceed if an unavoidable bear attack arises.
When a bear attack begins, the first impulse of many victims is to curl up in a ball. This is wrong. Bears are infuriated by stillness and quiet. The first action to take when one sees an assault coming on is to dance around wildly, screaming at the bear and hurling brightly colored objects at it. Nine times out of ten, this behavior will either calm the bear into non-aggression or simply intimidate it into retreat. In that one instance out of ten, however, the victim will need to advance to the next stage of attack survival.
On the rare occasion that prancing about and yelling does not thwart a bear's attack, there are several options still open to the anxious outdoorsman. Running away (bears are morbidly slow creatures) or attempting verbal negotiation are both valid alternatives. However, if one is fortunate enough to encounter a mother bear and her cubs, what experts call the "trump card" of bear attack survival will become available as well as invaluable.
If all else fails while attempting to fend off a mother bear with nearby cubs, this final method of deterrence could easily save one's life. Dash unexpectedly towards the nearest of the litter, then tackle it or take a position that bodily separates the mother from her young. The mother bear will instantly lose interest and saunter off into the forest.
Ideally, the readers of this guide would never encounter a fierce, deranged bear in the wild. In reality, however, bear attacks are all but inevitable. Therefore, it is crucial that one learn these steps thoroughly and commit them to memory.