Everything I Really Need To Learn in Kindergarten I Know

By Jimmy Metzler


    I don't claim to be a child prodigy or anything, but come now -- kindergarten? What could I possibly learn there that anyone wouldn't have figured out already? Finger-painting? The alphabet? For evidence of my artistic competency, I turn the room's attention to Exhibit A, which stands on the exposed eastern wall of the refrigerator. As for the latter, I hope I shan't have to repeat my musical rendition of our Arabic letters (in their proper order) forward and backwards to convince you that I have mastered that area. Face it, lady and gentleman, I will learn nothing tangible by attending Sunny Dale Elementary this fall.

    What about the intangibles, you ask? What about my social development? I stand firm in my earlier declaration: I will pass now any test of my refinement and congeniality, and with flying colors. I will be kind to others. I will share. I will refrain from beating senseless even the most absurd little half-wits with whom I am locked in any space, no matter how small, for no matter how long. Until you agree to this proposition (and you have not indicated that you will accept the challenge) you have no grounds on which to base your questions of my sociability.

    But these considerations, which seem so obvious in my five-year-old mind, cannot have escaped you. No, I am afraid that I must charge you with a crime much greater than that of ignorance. You see, I have long suspected that your stated desire to enroll me at Sunny Dale is not motivated merely by a dunderheaded inclination to educate me, but by a malicious, negligent desire to shuffle me off. Don't pretend to be upset, you custodial derelicts. Your deceptions have long ceased to elude the oculus of Jimmy. Out of sight, out of mind -- isn't that the mantra of your little game? Well, the game's up. I will remain here throughout the coming year, no matter how much kicking, dragging, and even going limp is required. Thank you.