Happiness Is


Happiness is…

…throwing a loaf of banana bread out of your car window and watching it explode against the vulnerable tin exterior of your plumber's motor home.

…waking up from a horrible nightmare and realizing that you're not really Canadian.

…farming the same plot of land five miles east of Omaha for fifty-seven years and then having "Candid Camera" host Alan Funt come to your door and tell you it was all just a big joke.

…offering a stranger a piece of candy, then dropping it down a sewage drain and saying, "Oh, sorry, that was the last one - oh wait, I've got one more - but I want it."

…being confident in the knowledge that most laws don't really apply to you.

…the realization that some dinosaurs were the size of mere chickens, and therefore making a life-sized model of one would not be so difficult a task if you ever decided to do it.

…giving someone a second chance, then waiting for them to foul up just one more time so you can really nail them.

…donating a Thanksgiving turkey to a vegetarian who doesn't own an oven, celebrate Thanksgiving, or accept charity.

…knowing that you have your very own guardian angel; an absent-minded Persian metallurgist who died after tripping into a vat of molten lead in 1679 BC.

…not knowing why a city in Alaska was named after former Vice President Charles W. Fairbanks, but being quite sure that Ulysses S. Grant's Vice President, Schuyler Colfax, existed.

…bringing home the bacon -- in the form of bacon -- because you work in a bacon factory -- and you like bacon.

…being reincarnated as a pretzel, then being eaten and not reincarnated at all because pretzels don't die when they are eaten.

…riding a dolphin across dry land.